The Most Important Post You'll Read All Year: New Nerd Jeff Tackles YOUR Tough Questions
The Most Important Post You'll Read All Year: New Nerd Jeff Tackles YOUR Tough Questions
Sep 19Hey, look at all those questions! Except for the creepy “What’s your address/what side of the bed do you prefer?” comments that I deleted. You know who you are.
First, one from Charley: Wow, you’re 6′5″? Question: Do you hit your head a lot?
Yes, I am 6’5″. Yes, I hit my head a lot. The stairwell that leads down into my basement has a low ceiling, and I hit my head there all the time.
Sarah wants to know Hey, what happened to Dazzler Fan Blog?
Nothing gold can stay, Pony Boy. Dazzler Fan was just too beautiful to thrive in this harsh world.
Marjie asks a literal ton of questions. Maybe she has a crush on me. I get that a lot.
1. What is the most mortifying nickname you’ve ever been given? Nicknames given by yourself don’t count.
As a fat kid growing up, I got called ‘Stolardass’ – a play on my last name – and that was not cool at all. More recent nicknames that irritate me are ‘Stoli’ and ‘Stick’.
2. Cake or pie?
Why can’t I have both? If I have to pick one, I’m gonna go with cake.
3. How do you feel about symmetry?
I believe in it. And find it fearful.
4. If you had to have sex with a director, who would it be? Please specify pre- or post-death if they have passed on
After standing in front of a mirror psyching myself up to not say Spielberg or Nolan, I’m gonna pick Diane English. It’s a strict PF based on the critical reception of The Women, though.
5. Can you navigate your home in the dark? Does it make you nervous when people ask that?
Yes. Yes.
6. Favorite exclamation (e.g. “egads!†“holy jesus fuck truck!†“great googly mooglyâ€)?
Giant Dancing Christ!
7. How do you feel about the majestic turkey vulture?
Jesus would totally have adopted one.
And Matt asks, What makes you cry?
James Lipton. Sunrises. “Brandy” by Looking Glass. The end of The Lost Boys.
Diane English…seriously? Over Sofia Coppola???
I’m clearly taking one for the team, Matt. Sofia Coppola would just be a selfish choice on my part.
Speaking of, has Tina Fey ever directed anything?
Nope, at least according to the IMDB. Writer, Producer, Actress…no directing credits.
Drat.
I don’t see why anyone would want to have sex with the woman who, every time she opened her mouth in Godfather III, brought the scene to a grinding and painful halt that made me wish Don Altobello would just get on with it and hire that assassin (I should be over it, I know, but I just find it so hard to forgive). And after sitting through her playing dress-up with Kirsten Dunst for two hours, nobody got their head chopped off. 🙁 I dunno… Seems like a choice of Sofia Coppola would be taking one for the team…
I feel short. 6’5″ is over a foot taller than me. A question for tall people: Do you mind when people in stores say “Hellooo, you of great height, could you please grab that box of Cheez-its from the top shelf for me?”
I have a crush on everyone. It’s one of the creepiest things about me. Plus my shifty eyes and general lurking around here.
I didn’t think we had to pick the director based on their ability to direct a compelling film. But you’re absolutely right about Marie Antoinette – I definitely wanted to see someone – anyone – get beheaded at the end.
As for the shelf issue, I don’t mind. I’m very civic-minded and will gladly distribute Cheez-its for everyone. Except for people with shifty eyes.